I've not shared this before, but for the past few days I've been seriously remembering those people in my life who have allowed me to leave on my sailing adventure.
Unwittingly, they have released me from all of my ties and obligations I had in my life in Hawaii.
The saddest, by far, was the premature death of my son Craig. I had delayed my plans to leave Hawaii for a variety of reasons and the most pressing was my attempts to help Craig. For whatever reasons or causes my help eventually came to naught. His death haunts me every single day and will do so, I'm sure, for the remainder of my life.
My other son is emancipated and is gainfully employed as an airline pilot. He is doing well and no longer needs my help.
Sadly, my daughter, for whatever her reasons, real or imagined, rational or irrational has decided she does not wish to communicate with me. I fear she is not well and needs help --desparately. She knows I did not care for her leaving 4 of her children with her husband to depart her home in Colorado and move to Boston with another man.
I had been given voluntary custody of my three children and raised them with no help from their biological mother. I felt my daughter fell into this same mold which I strongly disapproved. Children, especially very young children, need their mother. My children did not have such benefit.
My second wife was a tremendous help with raising my children. She never had children of her own and truly put her heart and soul into loving me and helping raise my children. She will always have a special place in my heart, for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was the help she gave me with my children.
Sadly, my second wife had no interest in "Sailing off into the sunset". When it became completely clear to her that I would continue to pursue my lifelong dream of circumnavigation I felt us begin to drift apart---after 25 years of togetherness.
Our divorce, amicable as it was, became yet another release of my ties to Hawaii.
Finally the ladies I subsequently met, and loved, in Hawaii,had the good sense to dump me when it became clear to them that I would not surrender my dream of circumnavigation. Yes, I wavered, but eventually I realized that I would forever regret not attempting to realize my dream.
So, to those persons in my past who have made this trip physically and emotionally possible, whether on purpose, by accident and however motivated, I have to say "Thank You!" I say this to all, except my son Craig, whose sweet manner and kind heart is missed by me daily. I only wish he would've released me from my ties to Hawaii in a better way.
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2 comments:
Life can be wonderful and horrible all at the same time. Terrible things happen to us all, but you've managed to cling onto your dreams and made them come true. You should feel very proud of that, though it may be tinged with sadness.
Recently, I had a dream in which Craig appeared. In this dream, he told me he was "O.K.". I recall grabbing & embracing him, in order to validate his presence. Without hessitation, I remember telling him that we need to see "Dad" and share this miracle. He told me he could'nt. I recall fighting the withdrawl of our embrace, being told he loves me and then let go. I awoke and desperately searched the house to the obvious result. It is truly unimaginable to lose your brother & best friend. I wish never to feel the pain of losing a son. Live your dream dad.
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